How to Not Be a Terrible Tourist by Chris and Maria

10. If you have to compare what you see to everything at home, maybe you would prefer to stay home.

9. Try to remember that you’re not on vacation from personal hygiene.

8. Stop taking pictures of yourself in front of things. People will still believe you were actually there.

7. Your beer doesn’t need an ice bucket. It cost you a dollar, just shut up and drink it.

6. If you’re traveling and decide to eat McDonald’s over the local cuisine, your stomach and taste buds should be torn out and fed back to you.

5. Ladies, put away the tits and thongs. Especially if you’re fat. Or Australian. This isn’t Rio (unless you’re in Rio.)

4. Put your Lonely Planet book away and watch where you’re going. Just because you’re on vacation doesn’t mean everyone else isn’t trying to get somewhere.

3. Nobody wants to hear about your amazing travels / bathing with monkeys / cuddling with drugged, ferocious animals / elephant rides / 6 month teaching gig in Thailand. Honestly, no one gives a fuck, and what you learned is in no way exclusive. Everyone’s experience is just as amazing as yours, and you’d find that out if you ever gave them a chance to talk.

2. NEVER wear cargo / capri / ali babba pants. Especially anything with pseudo-“ethnic” patterns or patchwork. You look ridiculous.

1. No package tours. Package tourists are the people who make every tourist look terribly obnoxious.